Before it's too late

One of my friends, Ms.Psycho-Babble happened to describe me thus;

"You seem to be happy, but you know, somewhere you always have that tragic aura around you!"

Hold on before it's too late. I am searching for the truth, wandering among the fiction. I don't know why it sends me scuttling for cover each time someone tries to figure me out inside. It's sacrilege to scurry into the stygian depths of my mind, people don't read hints. It's amazing some hurts never mend. Even when I think I'm the newt with new skin, the scars burn up. Damn!

Okay, enough of mindless meandering.
For now, We do the following:
1. We focus on the book, Jake and Alice and the rest of the Guntotters.
2. We enjoy sights of Megan Fox scampering around in skimpy dresses and wait fervently for the next installments of Autobots and T-101's.
3. We eagerly wait for good friends come down from all corners of the globe to make your life happy!! GRIN!
4. We plan trips to exotic locales.
5. We thrive on mind numbingly kick-ass music.

And who knows, this could still be real world we enjoy. Shadows burn, but I don't care. Somewhere I know, that I'm not all alone. This bated breath I hold, willing my lungs not to explode. I walk to the edge and wait for those purple liveried clouds to come take me away.
"This too shall pass" - Psychobabble.

Unnamed.

* This post is not named. For reasons undiscovered. Undisclosed. *

Yesterday I felt the moon was larger and closer to the earth than ever. A beautiful full yellow orb dotted and splotched with pockmarks and yet glowing bright and unfazed on the dark city. I was riding back from my bro's place, and had just about come up on the overbridge, the point where the bridge starts to dip down. and could see the entire city laid out in a star-lit splendor below me. Shimmering lights that winked back at me till the end of sight. and rising up on the left of me, was the full gibbous face of the moon, wreathed in smiley lines and serenely smiling on, like a buddhist monk. I had the wind blow into my face and I swear, I had never ever felt more alive.

I think I likes this.

Meadering

Life still is sluggish, dead slow train chugging, one of those cumbersome leviathan giants half sleepy and bearing ignominy of being the ancestors to the Sloth. ( No, PETA dont pelt me! That rhymed now, dinn it? PETA DONT PELT ME !)

So I get up and I switch on the radio to listen to Daughtry crooning, "am going home, the place where I belong", and I get this brainwave that I definitely need a break. To rejuvenate and renew things up. Fuel up. coz I suspect my life's become so much like the Narrator in Fight Club.

Hey listen I don’t wanna sound like this whiny bottomless pit of neediness, but yet, the listlessness does get to you. So coming back to our Narrator,
Am Jack's uninspired lazy pregnant cat on the porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon. That’s how lame I feel these days. (Man, I love the metaphor) A purpose. That’s what am searching for.
My SM reads “Searching for my own Xibalba” For the uninitiated to the ways of Darren Aranofsky ( acclaimed eccentric genius, gave us the brilliant Requiem for a Dream) Xibalba, according to the Mayan Legends it’s the underworld, the place where dead souls go to be reborn.
So I just might come back a new person, reborn and detoxified. Jubilant and full of life.
So long, then and thanks for all that fish ( never ever gimme fish, I hate that!) Wish me luck as I gaze for my own dying star, which will explode and give birth to a countless million points of light in the sky and help me get out this drudgery.

*Sighs* * Perks up. Needtcha pack, Am going home. Place where I always belonged*

Spaaa...ced..O.....Ouuuuut

Some days are cold and dark.
When the shutters and blinds just refuse to go up.
And I’m content to just lie and let the dark wash over. I’m so lazy. I realize I haven’t worked on my pet project since the past two weeks, all I been doing is indulging myself, doing up the house(?! Its become quite passé to mention, you are busy buying stuff for the new place. For crying out loud’s sake, you moved in since Jan!) Watching stupid Marvel Movies like Punisher or scouring social networking sites. Its when this sense of self dejection takes over that you start searching for self esteem in virtual life and try to adapt to something that never is.
Okay, am cruising somewhere outside the solar system trying to find replacement for Pluto. I shall write when am back.
Keep dreaming of those grey blue eyes and I shall come back to haunt. Love and respect.

Dropping the Bomb!

I finally heard the penny drop. The sound of Click! Ah sweet mother in heaven. Finally killed those countless ghosts which had filled up the depths of my mind. Yesterday night, I was pondering how they must have felt, before they dropped the bombs little man and fat boy over Hiroshima, Nagasaki. I don’t know how they felt, but I seriously felt queasy. Sick to the stomach. But now that the deed’s done, I am feeling better. What the heck! I dropped the bomb and now it is only left how to fend off the blood feud. I don’t quite look forward to this but, what should happen, will happen. Amen.

The Eternal Questions in Life

Some days are foggy. When reason fails to cut through the clutter.
And I question the purpose of existence. For a larger picture, that someone above is languidly painting on my black and white canvas of a life. I keep wondering when He is going to dip his brush into that pot of bright poster colors (kept open and drying fast beside Him) and splash across my canvas. To bring it alive in an explosion of multi colored hues and shades. And to this day, I keep waiting.

As usual, am in the middle of a transition period in life. And as usual, faced with ponderous life-threatening decisions to make, I am indeed confused. As would any youngling in his impressionable twenties trying to tie down the loose ends of his life, would rightfully be. And Lord, lend me strength to make that right decision.

Today was yet another blotch on my existence. When the guilt that I have not been productive and not contributed to the well being of the other six-billion creatures who walk this earth with me, is slowly threatening to swallow my soul.

I pass time by trying to draft that perfect “separation” notice letter to my employer, praying this does not end in another of those blood baths. (too much blood have I been witness to) I am happy, I am gonna be doing something I love. The lure of greenbacks is hard to resist again. Which doesn’t hurt of course.
And what gnaws at the back of my mind? That I would displease someone whom I really don’t give a rat’s backside about? Somebody pin down that black shadow of a doubt and execute it for me please. I cannot bear to think straight with that hooded assassin (of reason? of logic?) lurking in the back of my mind. Help!

From flames to dust,
Lovers to Friends,
Why do all good things come to an end?

Blues or Bliss?

Weekend Blues

I know, it’s like a misnomer! I mean, who the fuck gets blues on a weekend pal?
Sadly, I do.
Lets face it, Life Rocks – reads one of my friends’ wall on facebook. Hmmm...lets see –

Friday night-out at the movies, [in between I got a phone-call that could change my life!], Saturday lunch-out with a close friend with whom I can rant about everything that is wrong in my life, Evening spent on splurging in buying my favorite books, Night spent at home eating YUM butter chicken masala and watching ‘Black Dahlia’ [Which I rank as Josh Hartnett’s best movie ever beating Lucky Number Slevin], Sunday lazed at home watching re-runs on the telly, catching up with friends in Mumbai [this was very nice], spoke to a NYU Grad who wants to shoot a film la-RDB-ishtyle for her thesis on Indian Call-centre [Correct, am auditioning and I’m hoping she’s as nice looking as Suu aka Gulabbo], now lazing in my bean-bag typing away [ in between I got chided for having slept through the afternoon, I disappointed this really nice girl coz I did not take a huge hint for having coffee with her, Loser that I am!], with Phillip Pullman’s Golden Compass lying next to me.

Good weekend in most senses. Lazy self-indulgent, completely on my terms. I guess in that ways, I’m an extreme existentialist and hate it when someone tells me what to do with my life. I like the Blues. I like the mess. I like the hazy uncertainties that swarm around and engulf me most of the times. Because I like my life, on my own terms. And am glad.

Falling. Falling......

Just hold your breath.
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you……Over again.
Don't make me change my mind
Lest I never be the same again.

Oh How I wish things weren’t so.
How I wish I were stronger.
And that incessant voice in my head which keeps telling me, I told you so!
Would just shut up for a while.

What’s wrong with me? I don’t know. I wouldn’t know.
Just hold your breath tonight. And now breathe in so deep.
So you breathe me in.
And keep me in forever.
And ever.......

Woes

I am just plain bored struck by the fatal thassophobic need to express my rumblings to the world.

“Six weeks ago, I was just like you.
And then…….I met her.”

Sounds like the perfect beginning to…… Movie? Book? My Autobiography? Come to think of it, just about anything?

(Oh-kay I need to let you in on this one, this is actually the voice over of James McAvoy talking about apna Jolie-Ben – use the Marathi nasal twang when you say B’en! – for the trailer of Wanted. Re-aa-ally looking forward to this one! Jolie-Ben Kicks Ass, dodges bullets and looks sooo shmooking HOT!)

But this really happened…To me. ..But it ain’t six weeks, more like six years when it happened. Ok, here am getting ahead of myself. Rein in, strap up and listen.

Three days back, I watched my best friend get married to her sweetheart.
No, and I did not try and thwart the wedding like Julia Roberts. Nope, I watched on the sidelines, helping out the countless aunties and uncles in their chores, joking with them, jostling for space to throw the flowers on the bride and groom taking their eternal vows (wonder how that word sounds so f**king similar to woes!) I think I bored you guys enough about her and me. And the amazing history we have. Surprising, I was like an eternal favorite with all of them, the first name on their lips for most of everything, the model son whom they bragged about and yet, there I was on the sideline without a girl in my life to share the beautiful moments.

I was musing on this fact on the train back to Bangalore. It was a day express and I got the seat closest to the door and hence, I was most of the times hanging out of the doors. Straining to catch the wet scent of rain on the winds. Having the wind first caress and tease your face in a tantalizingly manner, and then without warning lash out mercilessly, leaving you gasping. I watched the Ghats whiz past in a blur, the lovely green mountains disappearing off in the distance around a bend, to suddenly come back on you, daunting and imposingly large. I would smirk and reason that out in my head, Everybody have their ego issues! And that’s Nature’s manner of making you feel like small and insignificant. But I guessed a little too soon, because the cosmos wasn’t done showing off its might yet. The skies opened up with silver lightning that cleaved the purplish dark sky into two. Dark overcast clouds that suddenly filled up the space, rumbling and crackling in the distant air. Smells of ozone. Rain. And the sudden overbearing brackish smell of sodden water as the train shot across an old decaying bridge. I hung back, a little scared of the rusting reddish-brown iron beams that shot past me accompanied by the deafening noise of the train-wheels on a bridge. The whole scene of a train rattling at above hundred miles on an iron bridge with that frighteningly explosive noise filling up your ears, is definitely a scary part of any train journey. Try sitting on the edge of the doors, watching those beams whiz past you, while your ears are ringing with that noise. It takes a brave man to do that!
Anyways with such picturesque scenes unfolding in front of me, I got into the introspective mood and that kinda spoilt most of it :-)

( And here I go back diving into the cesspools of misery cloyingly sorrounding my life!)

Have you ever felt cheated? Have you ever felt lower than the whale-shit at the bottom of the ocean? Like someone’s really pulled the rug from beneath your feet? My life unfolding in those few nano-seconds before I hit the floor made me feel all that and more!
(Oh-kay, I’m distracted here by this image of a Honk-Kong fight movie where the hero is falling, almost parallel to the ground and the whole world gets stuck in a time-warp! It is that feeling!)

Circle of Life

Circle of Life…


What goes around comes around.
You throw something into the sea, be sure it’s gonna wash up right back into your front yard one fine day. (Or the back yard?) Dead, bloated and reeking wet. Of dead memories. Of times you want to bury deep in your backyard.

Today I burnt the snap. And flushed the remains down the commode. Kinda puerile, juvenile and childish. Yeah Okay I admit, I borrowed it out of the movie but hey! It works, eh!
Sigh….Amazing circle of life I’ve had – from being mere acquaintances, to friends, soul mates, to fall in love, undergo betrayal and heart-break, back to friends again, now acquaintances to probably fading away to oblivion. I walked that way. It was not worth all the sweat and tears. It’s a bitter pill I swallow but the memory now fails me here. For that part of life has been washed out with some bright white paint that hurts your eyes to even look at it. And Hence I dig no more. I buried all the skeletons in my closet. No more to haunt me now. And I’m glad to be living again.
Chasing the finer things in life.
In the hues of rainbow colors. And any bright color that helps me forget. Or well, just helping me dive deep in and don’t give a damn about it.

What Keeps you Going?

I, like every other ambitious greenhorn, would love to make tonnes of money before I hit 30s and then retire at the age of 31 and go off in pursuit of epicurean past-times of life. Write a Book. Be a Wine-Taster. Scale snow-clad peaks .Go globe-trotting. Go Snorkeling off the Australian Reefs and go deep-sea diving with dolphins and Rays for company. Watch the Aurora Borealis at the North Pole. Go fishing with the Eskimos at the South Pole. Ha!! The promises of an exotic future, the perfect antidote to the disappointments of today?? I really dunno the reason for this post, its going from nowhere to nowhere. Guess am too spaced out. Need a lil sign to wake up and rest my mind?